Gummymint

Jay Leno is the biggest phony on television, and that’s saying something.  He has never once been funny in his tenure on the tonight show, nor has he been on his new abortion ‘the Jay Leno show.’  He knows this fact.  He goes out of his way to not be funny, it seems.   He doesn’t write jokes, he has them sent in by his viewers, or he goes out on the street to take advantage of retards.  And why does he do this?  No one knows.  Some say that he likes to entertain the elderly with his old-timey quips.  Others say he’s out of ideas.  I think he’s just a lazy asshole.

He just wants to be at the top for the sake of being at the top.  He’s not interested in doing anything at the top.  He just wants to be there.  There’s a pattern of behavior here that we have seen since the early 90’s when Jay slithered into the tonight show when Letterman wasn’t looking.   Then he announces his retirement 5 fucking years before the fact and then he doesn’t want to retire anymore.  Conan is getting fucked that same way as Dave.  Same story: Leno fucks people to get his way.  And for some reason NBC keeps sucking his proverbial unfunny noodle and asking for more.    His mickey mouse show screws everyone else, and he gets his old time slot back where he can make fun of guests for owning non-muscle cars.

The chin always wins.

The Travel channel has recently become one of my favorite channels.  It has produced real gems such as No Reservations with the witty Anthony Bourdaine, Man vs. Food with the gluttonous Adam Richmond, and Bizarre Foods with the awkward Andrew Zimmern.  But even those lack the amount of win that Ghost Adventures brings.

Let me give you the premise: 3 douchebags get locked in a “haunted” building overnight in order to search for evidence of ghosts using “scientific” devices and a lolercaust ensues.  I discovered this show whilst channel surfing in bed with my girlfriend.  I usually hate ghost hunting shows like this, as the hunters are usually fat star wars nerds with goatees and hawaiian shirts trying to determine if they heard a ghost or their developing schizophrenia.  But Ghost Adventures is different.  It’s ghost hunting, but instead of nerds, you get douchebags, and douchebags make all the difference.

Zak Bagans is the main douchebag.  He is over-muscled, and wears designer t-shirts with crosses on them.  My favorite trait of Zak’s is his over-pronunciation of words when he provokes the ghosts and asks them to rape him.  Some good quotes include “I hear that you don’t like people in here renovating this place,” and “Are you in here you bastard?”

There’s another ghost adventurer named Nick but no one gives a shit about him.  The only other person worth knowing is Aaron the balding cameraman.  Aaron is probably the best part of the show for one reason only: his freakout face.  The only thing he really says is “Oh my god, I’m outta here, dude!”  You can depend on him to do this every episode.  It gets funnier every time.

These guys aren’t the only thing that makes this show entertaining.  There’s also the ghosts!  Interestingly enough, this show gives me the chills on occasion.  Some sounds and sights can get to you and bring out your inner pansy.  I’m pretty sure this isn’t a faked show because these guys are not actors.  Bilbo, I mean Zak Bagans, sounds like an android when he  narrates the show, but is obviously freaked out when in the spooky areas.   It’s on Fridays at  9 PM.  Watch it.  It’s awesome.